Nerd Husbandry

(I'm so sorry to have left this blog lying dormant for so long. There's been a lot going on, including getting ready for the Live Wire gig that happened on Saturday. Here's the piece I read. Let me know if you like it! --SB)

If one were to use reality TV as a bellwether, one would have to assume that the dating scene in America right now is bleak. Tune in to an episode of Rock of Love, Dating in the Dark or, my personal favorite, Tool Academy and it seems obvious that any woman with a brain in her head and the boobs she was born with wouldn’t have a chance at finding anything but a prescription for antibiotics were she to wade into the dating pool. But I’m here to tell you that there’s a better way. If you’re looking for someone to share the rest of your life with, someone who’s smart and funny and doesn’t list ‘abs’ as a life goal, you need to forget everything you think you know about men. That’s what I did and I’ve never been happier. My secret? I married a nerd.

And you can, too.

When I was in high school, the absolute worst social classification you could receive was Nerd. Of course, this makes perfect sense, because what is a nerd but a person who is incapable of being anything other than exactly who they are? Nerds are nonconformists and nonconformists are to high school what wood is to a wood chipper. But that’s okay. Because if I’ve learned anything during my 15-plus years of nerd husbandry, it’s that high school is where the good nerds are made. It’s where they learn the important lessons that will shape the men they will become, lessons like “If you’re funny you’re less likely to get the crap kicked out of you.” And “Take Theater because girls will let their guards down if they think you’re gay.” These are the pivotal years in which the nerd develops the key characteristics that will eventually win you over. These aren’t easy years by any means, but they’re important. So whether he bravely carried a Spider Man lunchbox in the eleventh grade or endured a bi-weekly pantsing by someone named Chad, a nerd always leaves high school with his best years still ahead of him.

But the popular boys? Let’s just say that anyone who experienced the best years of his life between the ages of 15 and 18 is not a good long term prospect. That’s something we girls always told ourselves after Chad so coldly passed us over for the prom: Just wait, someday he’ll end up fat and working at a car dealership. And now, thanks to the miracle of Facebook, we can actually confirm that it’s true. So while the former head cheerleader comes home to find that Chad has cleared out their savings to pay for hair plugs and ManSpanx, you can come home to a smart, thoughtful husband who treats you like the goddess you are.

Now, before you rush out to find a nerd of your own, there are a few things you should look for and a few things you should watch out for. We’ll start with the good stuff. First and foremost, nerds are smart. Unencumbered by a social life, a love life or an aptitude for team sports, adolescent nerds spend their free time studying. And then they go on to college, where they continue to not play sports, not join fraternities and not blow all but a dozen brain cells on recreational drugs. As a result, nerds enter the adult world armed with college degrees, functioning brains and even more insight on how not to treat women.

Which brings me to my next point: nerds are successful. Armed with their superior intellect and a burning desire to bitch-slap Chad with a Porsche key at their 20 year reunion, nerds go out and make something of themselves. But be warned, nerd success isn’t always the mainstream kind of corner-office-name-on-your-parking-spot success we’ve all been programmed to want. Nerd success can often be, well, nerdy. When my nerd isn’t working as a successful freelance illustrator, he runs one of the biggest haunted houses on the west coast. In other words, he dresses up like a vampire and scares people. But he does it really, really well. So well, in fact, that he has an army of nerd underlings who look to him as their ruler, which officially classifies him as a Power Nerd. Again, this might not be considered mainstream success, but who cares? He’s smart, he’s successful and most importantly, he’s funny, which just so happens to be the third and final criteria for a potential nerd mate.

There are those who would argue with me, but I firmly believe that all the best nerds are funny. Conversely, all the funniest people are nerds. Think about it. Woody Allen? Nerd. The cast of Monty Python? Nerds. David Letterman? Jon Stewart? Stephen Colbert? Nerd. Nerd. Nerd. Dane Cook? Not a nerd. Not funny. Comedy is pain plus time. And who knows pain better than someone who spent the better part of his freshman year with his underpants around his neck? Magazines might tell you otherwise, but I’m here to tell you that funny matters, especially if you’re in it for the long haul. If you’re looking to spend the rest of your life with a man, you want someone who can make you laugh until you pee. If not, you might end up looking like Laura Bush, who has never laughed or peed in her entire life.

At this point some of you are no doubt thinking, “I’ve met plenty of nerds who aren’t smart, aren’t funny and wouldn’t know success if it walked up to them and smashed their Ultimate LEGOS Millennium Falcon.” Those are not nerds. Those are sub-nerds, also known as dweebs, dorks or losers. Although these sad creatures have similar origin stories to nerds, they differ in that they are far more likely to live with their mothers and have imaginary food allergies. Success eludes these basement-dwellers, as does dental hygiene and the sweet, sweet touch of a woman. How do you know if you’re dealing with a sub-nerd? Look for the three warning signs. 1) Does he play Dungeons & Dragons? Then he’s a dweeb. It’s OK if he has some D&D in his past. All nerds do. But if he’s over 30 and still actively playing? Run. 2) Does he regularly attend Renaissance Faires? Then he’s a dork. Check his closet for velvet tights and elf shoes. If you find them, retreat. 3) How many hours a week does he spend playing World of Warcraft? More than one? That’s a loser. You know what to do.

Of course, nerds aren’t perfect. No man is. But I happen to think they’re better than the average guy. Sure, you’ll have to put up with comic books and action figures. But in my experience, the biggest problem with those things isn’t the endless clutter they create, it’s the unrealistic expectations they tend to foster with regard to female breast-to-waist ratio. Chances are, you’re going to have to divest your nerd of the belief that human women look like that. I recommend a people-watching tour of Wal-Mart followed by a Golden Girls marathon. But once you’ve got them successfully deprogrammed, nerds make excellent husbands. They’re loyal, attentive, appreciative and loving. Even after you’ve been together for more than a decade, they’ll still open your car door, kiss your hand in public and declare you to be their queen to anyone who’ll listen. And sporting a Princess Leia wig once in a while is a pretty small price to pay for all that.